Name : Dorai Raj ( The name is Raj , Dorai Raj – Dorengapapalli Muttiah Lymphosarcoma Ushantha Warnakulasurai Rajkumaradharamsena)
Nickname: Suuuuper- Studda
Job family: Rajnikanth / Chuck Norris
Job Title(s): Guide/Illumanati (fire place caretaker)/Cook/Gatekeeper
Job Description (In Order of Priority):
1. Marijuana (Yes that’s a verb in his dictionary)
2. Marijuana
3. Marijuana
4. Booze
5. Booze
6. Take Long Treks and Windy Walks
7. Speak in one language.
8. Cook food.
Before I begin to tell you about Dorai, the question is what is Dorai? Is Dorai the name of a satanic cult which I ignorantly joined on a weekend binge? Is Dorai the one who let the dogs out? Is he the P in Pneumonia? Is he Kaizer Soze? Is Dorai the Lost Symbol?
To celebrate the Civil Disobedience Movement, Dorai was born in 1931 at a place called Ushantha, which is a suburb of Warnakulasurai, which was captured by the nomads of Rajkumaradharmsena. Hence he got his name- Dorai Raj – Dorengapapalli Muttiah Lymphosarcoma Ushantha Warnakulasurai Rajkumaradharamsena.
Dorai’s favourite colour was blue, favourite number was 9 and his favourite dog was someone else’s. A big fan of Rajnikanth, Dorai successfully performed each of Rajni’s stunts like killing two stones with one bird, deleting the recycle bin, drowning a fish and sucking blood out of a mosquito. At a tender age of 19, Dorai watched a movie about the Masai of Africa and decided to head to a place called Ootacamund, a suburb of Nairobi. But, he accidently landed in Ooty and took up the job of flying kites, cooking food and rearing animals in Parson’s Valley.
I felt that DR, as we called him, deserves this much of screen space as he was a man of Action. At 80 years of age, this stud had been there, done it all – except learn any other language apart from Telugu. In terms of appearance, he had all the characteristics of a playing the role of Veerappan – Lean, thin, Dark Knight, White moustache and a solid amount of hemoglobin in his alcohol level.
He mostly spoke through his silence which was mostly accompanied by sign language like – scratching his head while what appeared to be swearing , a solid namaste, and of course, the middle finger.
So, where were we? I had just hit the bed and what seemed like a minute later, woken up by the scent of idlis. None of us (as in guys) took a bath and we went straight for the food. As it is guys don’t buy things and not make proper use of them. I had spent money on a Deodorant and this was its time to shine.
I had barely entered the dining area when Kangan said, ” Ankit, you didn’t take a bath right?”
I wanted to sue AXE.
The breakfast was heavenly – idlis which melted in your mouth and an orthodox combination of Aloo Puris. Exactly 200 idlis and 50 puris later (of which Jolly had 180 idlis and about 30 puris), we decided to embark on the trek, which I later found out was actually a photography competition.
As we were getting ready to take the short 4 hour trek, we conveniently forgot to take anything else apart form water. We hung around for a while around the brook, for specifically two reasons –
1. The ladies had decided to prove that they were ladies by getting out of bed early morning and taking a bath (before a trek…ha ha).
2. There was an interesting conversation going on between Jolly and Rujuta with Jolly accusing Rujuta of staring at his calf muscles for too long. We could see Jolly blushing already ;).
3. Yes there is a 3rd reason as well(sue me). We had found the skull of a bison near the brook which bore a stamp of Maneka Gandhi. Francis and I were discussing about how to go about this expose’.
THE TREK:
It was about 10am as we headed out for the trek to the Nilgiri Hills. By 10:30am, we had managed to exhaust half the water we were carrying. The trek was led by Dorai who was happily smoking pot along the way. It was as if he was lost if wasn’t high. Every puff seemed to give him direction. Following him closely was Kangan who was more than impressed with Dorai’s fitness level. She repeatedly tried asking him the secret to his fitness.
“What DOES this guy have for lunch?”, asked Kangan.
Dorai quietly pointed to the joint in his hand. Even more quietly, Kangan ignored.
Behind Kangan was Francisco who, I guess was born with shades. Francis was perfect South Indian hero material. However, Francis lacked one of the pre-requisites of being in the South Indian Film industry – He had a fair complexion. That automatically disqualified him from taking a shot at it.
In another hour or so, the plains ended and we found ourselves at the foothills of Nilgiris. The multidimensional array of Pine trees looked heavenly.
It is time to take a break and introduce you to a covert challenge which had been going on. Welcome to the “The Amazing Race to a Gazillion Photographs (T.A.R.T.A.G.P.)”. The winner will be decided on the basis of the number of photographs taken during the entire trip. Let’s take a look at the Rankings till now:
1. Neha
2. Kangan
3. Ramz-inderella
4. Jolly
5. Rujuta
6. Divya
7. Francis
Back to the trek, by 2pm, we were sapped of all our energies, most of us were gasping for breath; Dorai was intrigued by the inability of our bodies to bear the brunt of what was his morning walk. The guy quietly smoked a bidi in total relaxation as if he had taken a cab to this place. Next, we reached a dam. Out came the cameras again. Jolly applied logic while taking pictures, Kangan applied Zoom, and Ramz applied the “secret ingredient” – the shoo shaan autofocus vattamattam kendrapalli SLR lenses. If Divya focused on the moss, Ramz focussed on the Bacteria on the moss.
After Dorai realized that he had had enough of fooling around with a bunch of cushion-loving, paper napkin friendly, taxi-borne “civilians”, and he signaled that we head back. The signal was of a cryptic nature which seemed to be a combination of all South Indian Slangs ever made. We got to know this through Francis who deciphered some of them for us (in a hush hush manner obviously).
The return trip back was quite an eventful one.
The first startling thing was an epiphany. It started off with a sudden realization that we had a stomach, which if, left unattended to, often growled like the Tsavo lions.
The second thing we noticed was that three of our companions had disappeared. Those 3 were Subeer, Priyanka and Francis. After what seemed like half an hour, we saw the 3 emerge. The scene resembled the final scene in the movie Tashan in which Akshay Kumar( Subeer), Kareena Kapoor ( Priyanka) and Saif Ali Khan ( Francis) were seen in the silhouette of the clear blue sky; except that in this case, Subeer and Francis were carrying Priyanka. I could imagine the Tashan Song in the background. Music to my ears, music to my ears!! After what seemed like an hour, chief Vitalstatistix decided that she had had enough of this cruel journey and decided to take a rest. Dorai was furious as his pot supply was running out. As Francis and Subeer were helping Priyanka, Francis asked Dorai, “How much time will it take us to get there?”
Dorai said,” Three hours”. Barely up, Vitalstatistix collapsed again
After what seemed like 20 minutes, we decided to continue out journey. Supneet seemed pissed off. She just wanted the journey to end. Kangan was pissed for a different reason. Rujuta and Neha seemed chirpy as ever. The most Curious case was that of Ramzie. She was aging backwards. No one could ever tell that she had been through a 5 hour trek. She seemed to be as fresh as she was in the morning when I met her for breakfast. Subeer and Francis were having a workout. Jolly jokes started bordering the thin line between PG 18 and PG 21. Divya, well, was busy with her camera.
In about 1 hour , we were could see the Parson’s Valley, our sanctuary. Kangan fell to her knees, as if the Parson’s Valley was a temple of God, the Holiest of Holies. I don’t think she ever did this to any of the Tajs, Hyatts or Ritz. Parson’s valley didn’t even offer room service. Mahatma Gandhi would have been proud ;).
Kangan, Divya, Jolly, Rujuta, Supneet and I were ones to do the touchdown. And boy we did it in style. True to our primary religion, cricket, we first formed a huddle and then immediately called for drinks. From a distance, we could see Francis running down for water. He had some. I took some for Subeer and Vitalstatistix who were now visible from a distance.
It was 5pm. I finally went to take a bath. No sooner did I come out, than Subeer said, “We don’t have booze. Will you be able to go to Ooty and get it?”
“I am game”.
What I was not game for was the mode of conveyance. It was a Jeep; and believe me, a very rusty one. In about half an hour, Kangan, Divya and I got in and rode into the night. What we didn’t know was that a 40 minute bone-crushing, stomach twirling and ass-pinching ride was in store for us.